Friday, January 16, 2009

Injury Week: A Modest Bet

This is probably the injury everyone knows of best. My most glorious moment on this earth so far. It began like many stories, I had been drinking all day. We began by going to a work outing at 11am. We bowled and drank, then when that was done we figured we should keep the party going and went to a friends house to drink some more. After drinking for the better part of a day we moved the party out to the bars. It was 9 or 10pm at this point and me and one of my best friends were in full drunken stupor mode. We weren't just your average drunks either. When Dan and I got together and drank we were said to "ruin lives." So, I still remember how it all went down. We were walking back to the bathroom when we saw a drinking glass wedged between the bars of the foosball table. The bar we were at had these very thick pint glasses. I don't remember exactly who had the bright idea, but we decided we would see if we could break the glass. Now try to imagine the safest, easiest ways to break a glass... Got those all in your head? Great. Now throw all those ideas away and think of the single dumbest most suicidal way to break a glass. Perfect. We kept the glass in the foostball table and began taking turns punching it, open fist, as you could imagine Chuck Norris or Nicholas Cage sending someone's nose into their brains.(Fast forward to 4:20)

First 2 tries we alternated back and forth, didn't really hit it too hard, as if we were feeling the situation out. Then we began to get angry at the glass for its strength. The 2nd round Dan started out hitting it pretty hard, 2 times. He looked down at it and noticed he chipped the glass and also taken a small piece of his hand where the chip had hit it. I took the glass and knew that it had shown weakness and I was about to achieve victory. I pulled my fist back and came down on it as hard as I could. The next thing I remember is just seeing red cover the foosball table beneath my palm. I pulled my hand back and looked into a torn open flesh. An artery had been cut and a stream of blood shot out about 5 feet out and landed on the floor. I quickly applied pressure and realized the severity of the situation. We ran into the bathroom and I said we need to wrap this up and go to the hospital. I quickly pointed at one of the towel dispensers. You know, the cloth kind that wraps back into the dispensor. We must have looked very comical because as I held my blood soaked hand, my accomplice began tearing the towel from the dispenser as it wrapped back into the base. He didn't realize no matter how fast he pulled he wasn't getting any closer to providing me with toweling. A guy who walked out of the stall began laughing at our faces. I was appalled that someone found our situation amusing. I saw the foley in Dan's ways and suggested he tear the dispenser from teh wall. After 2 huge yanks we were getting no where closer to wrapping my hand. I suggested his shirt. He yanked off 2 shirts and gave me his white undershirt. I quickly wrap my hand and we dodged out through the now crowded bar and out onto the street. Dan's girlfriend sees him shirtless and drunk and begins to get very mad. "WHY'S DAN'S SHIRT OFF!?" she came at me angry and accusing. I simple lifted part of the shirt off my hand and showed her the pooling blood in my palm. Instantly her angry face went ghostly white as she understood completely. "oh." was all she mumbled. I then headed across the street and went to a taxi van I saw. I jumped in and the driver said "I'm sorry I am already waiting for a party." I felt entitled to hijack here and simply told him "WERE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL." I showed him my hand and he also understood and we were off. I didn't know if it was customary to tip a hijacked taxi cab for bringing you to the ER, so I instructed Dan to give him $10.

We arrived at the hospital I worked IT at. I remember when I realized I was in safe hands in the ER the alcohol kicked in again and I was all jokes. I asked the triage nurse if I would be getting an associate discount. Again when I was on the operating table I told the doctor that I was very appreciative of what she was doing and if she ever wanted a new tablet PC, a new handheld device, or anything computer related that I would give her my personal extension and I would put her on the top of my list. 16 stitches later I was back in 1 piece and lucky to hear that I hadn't severed any tendons so no physical rehab would be needed.

I was supposed to return 2-3 weeks later to get the stitches removed. I was out hunting at the 3 week point and bored. So I ended up taking the stitches out myself with my hunting knife. Overall if I was to say I learned something it would be that you should weigh the pros vs the cons of drunk ideas. That night was also one of the first nights V and I went out together. So if anyone else wants to lock in a steady girlfriend rinse and repeat I guess.


Ric said...

I remember seeing those pictures from a previous blog. When I read, I covered them as I scrolled up ... but the whole severed artery bit made me a little queasy.

Still 3 hrs. to lunch; I should be okay.

BLaZE said...

Haha, I'm glad you'll be ok. I worry about you when I write these.