Oh Dear.

I was in the woods, breathing in the fresh brisk winter air, smile on my face, absorbing life feeling completely at peace. I feel my phone rumble, oh look, a new text message. From the ol’ ball and chain! I flip it open and read

“Looking @ apts 2day n 2morrow. We need to have a deep convo when you get back. Good luck”

Oh boy, deep convo can only mean one thing, I’m in trouble. Great way to awaken me from my zen state then to have an ominous unknown fate secured for me when I return from hunting. I didn’t even want to think about what it could be about this time. In fact, what am I doing out in the woods right now, I feel like a drink.

So, fast forward to Friday, after 4-5 days of complete lack of deer, and dangerously cold temperatures, I head home to surprise the gf and hopefully go apartment hunting with her on Saturday. After a long 4-5 hour drive I walk in the front door knowing she wouldn’t be home yet. I usually don’t concern myself with mail, but something caught my eye in a stack of papers at my feet so I scoop them up. I skim over the papers quickly and my heart sinks. The theme I pick up is Mother. I see phrases like “Welcome to Motherhood!”, “Baby Feeding Schedules”, “The New Mom Mantra!”. And now my brain is just going a mile a minute. This couldn’t be, we’ve taken precautions, hell, we usually take 2 precautions. Impossible. Instantly I think our good friend Pickles, whom recently is with child, or at least his significant other is with it. Maybe its spam mail, man it would be great if it said it was addressed to Homeowner or Resident of Apartment 5. No luck, sure enough, her name, our address, on all 5 large pieces of mail, 4 were unopened but I knew these would say the same types of things.


(the real mail. Click to enlarge)

So the whole time I am thinking how this must be a mistake, I am also have creeping thoughts that are saying “Well, we had a good run, we could never look back and say ‘I wished I worked less and partied more’. Nope, its time to grow up, take this like a man, and tell her how proud and excited we are”. What kind of wedding should we have? To Las Vegas? Or quick get a date out there so that by the time we have the kid only the wiser relatives will put 2 and 2 together. Who am I kidding, everyone will know. We’ll have to get that bigger apartment. And the money, gone. PICKLES! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!

I then put the mail down, and tidy it up like I didn’t touch anything. Soon-to-be-mother texts me about when I am coming home from hunting. I consider texting back “I am back already as a surprise. Are you pregnant?” But then I read that, and thought of the outcome if the answer was yes, and realized its kind of like breaking up with someone, best not be via text message. Maybe I should call her? No, just sit tight, we’ll play things cool. Hell, pop in a video game.

Long 3 hours later she finally opens the door and looks super excited to see me. Mr. Play-it-cool hugs her and instantly points like a small child to the mail with furrowed eyebrows and says “are we having a baby?” Yeah, so much for excited and positive encouragement. At least I had remembered to say we instead of you. (As I had practice in the mirror earlier.)

“Oh you weren’t supposed to see that trash”, she says, casting it off. “That’s for Wendy!”

She seriously didn’t understand how many questions I had, her quick response did not answer much. “Ummm, excuse me, what are those talking about!?!?” She now realizes in my eyes what I had been thinking and that I was serious. Oh we had Wendy’s baby shower and she asked us all to sign up for baby food so we got free samples and could give them to her”

Oh dear lord. Thank god, not that a child isn’t a lovely ball of joy. But it’s a rollercoaster thinking you're making the biggest move of your life. (Props to Pickles, he’s in the real deal, I probably could multiply what I was feeling that day by 10000x to understand what he’s been dealing with)

So in the end, I think this is a good eye opening experience and I will always be sure to take said “precautions” without hesitation. I’ll save the baby naming parties for another chapter of my life.